Jealousy can be so painful and fiery and dealing with jealousy can be even harder than experiencing it. And jealousy is SO prevalent. At the recent 50th Annual 2017 American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) in Las Vegas, NV, there was a presentation entitled “Coping with Jealousy: Tools for Individuals and Relationships” presented by Erica Marchand, PhD and it was SO popular it had to be held in the main ballroom and had nearly 500 people attend. And it was just a break out session! There seemed to be more people than the keynote and plenary sessions!
Why was this presentation so popular? Because jealousy is one of the most intense and powerful and common emotions in intimate relationships. And we’ve all felt it, and we are all afraid of it.
Most of this information was reference from the presentation by Dr. Erica Marchand and is credited to her presentation.
So what is jealousy?
Jealousy is an emotional state aroused by a perceived thereat to a valued relationship or position, involving feelings of hurt, anger, anxiety and/or betrayal, which often motivates behavior aimed at countering the threat. Jealousy is different from envy, where jealousy is a fear of losing what you have, while envy is desiring what someone else has.
Theories of Jealousy
There are a variety of theories psychologically on why jealousy occurs and why it occurs is important because it informs us as clinicians on how to treat it. In the therapy room at SexTherapy- Online, we approach jealousy from an integrated model of all these perspectives.
From a psychodynamic and attachment perspective, jealousy is caused by painful childhood experiences, such as loss of love, loss of parent, or threat thereof and poor attachment with primary caregivers.
From a systems perspective, jealousy arises from relationship dynamics and serves a purpose in the relationship.
From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, jealousy is a learned response that can be unlearned and people can be retrained. From a social perspective, jealousy is shaped and defined by culture and social norms.
From an evolutionary perspective, jealousy functions to guard against losing mate and/or associated resources.
Gender Differences
Men experience more jealousy in response to sexual aspects of infidelity, while women experience more jealousy about emotional aspects of infidelity. Sometimes this is credited to evolutionary psychological factors, but its a little more complicated than that. When working with clients, Marchand says that the evolutionary explanation washes over a lot of other relevant information and factors. Sexual and emotional infidelity are overlapping concepts and research on gender differences and infidelity has not been replicated consistently. Jealousy and infidelity overlap a lot, but in this blog, we are really just talking about jealousy, and not aspects of infidelity.
Jealousy has been been reported at higher levers among people who have experienced infidelity, people who have been unfaithful, and person(s) with less power/status in the relationship.
Same Sex Relationships
In same sex relationships, Marchand says there is not a lot of research out there but a few items to note: gay men in monogamous relationships experience more jealousy than in non-monogamous relationships and that intimate partner violence in same sex couples is more prevalent if jealousy is present.
Consequences of Jealousy
There are significant outcomes and consequences of jealousy. In individuals, when one or both partners are jealous, individuals experience lower self-esteem, anxiety, anger, betrayal, and hurt. Attempting to address jealousy often threatens the relationship and the person can be prone to seeking reassurance, provoking conflict, exerting control, and investing more time and energy into the relationship in efforts to increase their value in the relationship.
If that doesn’t sound EXHAUSTING, I don’t know what does!
In relationships, jealousy can often lead to hostile, aggressive or abusive behavior. Jealousy can also mask as a perception of love, caring, and investment in the relationship (this is the argument that if one didn’t love someone, they wouldn’t be jealous). When jealousy occurs, the partner’s reassurance as a response to jealousy is associated with greater relationship stability (I don’t see this happening ALL that often, but it does occur!)
So if you are struggling with jealousy, and need help getting out of its clutches, I can help. Feel free to contact me at the form below or check out the Schedule An Appointment page for more information.
But here are some of the things we would be working on. If jealousy is bothering you as an individual, we would focus on the following:
- Accepting /tolerating distress
- Increase self-esteem and perception of value
- Increase self-awareness about beliefs and experiences that are contributing to jealousy
- Increase ability to self-soothe
- Create response flexibility
I also see couples, poly-relationships, and Non-Monogamous relationships which can particularly prone to jealousy. If you came to therapy for your relationship(s) and coping with jealousy, we’d be working on:
- Developing a critical awareness of relationship patterns
- Changing relationship dynamics
- Improving and Adjusting Communication
- Reconciliation and healing
Some questions you can get started with for homework on helping you better understand your jealousy:
For the Individual
How do you respond to jealousy?
What are your feelings, thoughts, beliefs?
What did you learn from past experiences?
– About other people and relationships?
– About acceptable or desirable responses to jealous feelings?
What do you fear losing
What do you gut-level want to do? What do you frontal lobe level want to do?
How can you treat yourself like a valuable person?
Make a list of qualities that make you valuable.
List five affirmations a day of your value and worth.
Make a list of ways to be kind/nice/awesome to yourself
Imagine if…
What do you need to do to take care of yourself?
For the Relationship
Communication
– Create space for talking about jealousy
– Take responsibility for own feelings/validate others feelings
Make an inventory of partners relationship experiences and expectations
List how to build trust/express affection/reassurance
– Things your partner can do or say to reassure you when you feel afraid, anxious, jealous (do it for self and other person)
If there is infidelity, you will want to focus on rebuilding relationship security, ethos, self-esteem
– Create space to talk about emotions related to affair- including jealousy
– Complete above lists
– Set new boundaries/agreements
– Hurt partner rebuilding
– Atone/Atune/Attach
[The majority of this blogs content was taken from “Coping with Jealousy: Tools for Individuals and Relationships” presented by Erica Marchand, PhD at the 50th Annual 2017 AASECT Conference in Las Vegas, NV]
Still need help with dealing with jealousy, give me a call. You don’ have to suffer alone!