Many people have reported how kink and BDSM have helped them work through traumatic situations in their past however, there wasn’t much research/data around how kink and BDSM could help someone work through past traumatic events in their life. I recently completed a course from TASHRA (The Alternative Sexual Health Research Alliance) entitled Kink & Healing: Two Approaches with Julie Lehman, LMFT and Andrew Pari, LCSW, CCTP. I love this organization as it really is doing some interesting things around alternative sexualities and therapy and any training they put on or put out is thorough and research-based. This training talked about how kink and BDSM scenes are being used for healing within participants. It is clear that kink is NOT therapy, but it IS therapeutic, and preliminary research is being conducted to explore ways that kink can have therapeutic benefit for those that are experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns. Personally being in the kink would for the past 13 years I can say that kink and BDSM has immensely helped me with trauma, anxiety, and spiritual growth so I know first hand how beneficial it can be. This training offered significant insight to who is consciously using kink to address trauma, how much, the similarities between therapeutic interventions and models of therapy and kink scene/play, and a model of how clients can consciously use kink to work through their own trauma.
People Are Doing This! But Who, How Much, and for what Issues?
Dr. Richard Sprott presented some very preliminary answers to two questions around using kink scenes to address past traumas. At the time of presenting he shared that these numbers were just informational and expected to change with more respondents.
Have you have ever consciously used a kink scene to address past trauma? 33% Yes (83) 55% No (139) 13% Not sure (32)
How many scenes have you done that intentionally addressed past trauma? 4+ scenes: 28% (28) 1-3 scenes: 38% (37) 1 scene: 10% (10) Not Sure: 23% (23)
The nature of the original traumatic experience was overwhelming sexual, such as sexual assault, abuse, childhood sexual abuse, and rape. Additional traumatic experiences were related to partner abuse, shame, and consent.
While it is always a fine line for therapists who work with kinksters advising them to use strong caution when working with mental health themes such as trauma in the context of kink, what we are understanding is that people are doing this and finding a lot of benefit from it. So it is good that efforts are being made to understand it.
Here is an interview with Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Sex Therapist Samantha Manewitz did on “Can Kink Help Transform Trauma?” and the parallels between kink-scening and trauma work.
A Proposed Model for Constructing these Scenes
The biggest take away I took from the training was a proposed model, called the Somatic Mastery of Sexual Trauma Model, that Andrew Pari, LCSW, CCTP presented on. I italicized proposed because this isn’t a currently accepted or validated model for trauma, but I found it a nice framework on how conscious kink and therapy could intersect to address traumatic experiences. The model looks like this:
I love the collaborative nature of this model where the therapist can do much of the work with the client and help them create spaces to prepare for re-enactment, role play, aftercare, etc. as well as offer so much clinical treatment around the trauma. The Somatic Mastery of Sexual Trauma Model is a therapeutic blend of Prolonged Exposure Therapy, Attachment Theory, Dramatherapy, and Trauma Release Exercise.
If you are interested in working with a sex therapist to work through trauma with kink and BDSM, please reach out below!
Recently, I published a #FetishFriday episode on pantyhose fetish and what ensued really was quite impressive (See my full channel here: youtube.com/RhiannonBeauregard).
My two most popular videos were on the site for 11 and 10 months and grossed over 10,000 and 7,800 views respectively (those were on #AdultBabyDiaperLovers and #Ballbusting). My Pantyhose Fetish #FetishFriday video was on YouTube for just ONE WEEK and grossed over 6,200 views… making me think that perhaps folks who are into pantyhose fetish are really looking for information and there are a LOT of people out there that like it. So I figured I would write a blog on some of the questions that people brought up about Pantyhose Fetishes and provide more information on this pleasurable and popular fetish.
There aren’t many statistics about what genders likes pantyhose fetishes or how each gender participates. Generally, more men than women like to see women in pantyhose and eroticize women wearing pantyhose. Men also like to wear pantyhose. Women often like wearing pantyhose and enjoy how it feels and looks, but also like turning their partner(s) on. Non-binary/trans/queer folks also love pantyhose and I would suspect that this fetish is high up on the list for folks who are transgender as well as those that like trans/non-binary and queer. So in short, I’d say its probably a pretty popular fetish amongst all genders and probably an equal amount of people like to wear as like to see others wear. Unfortunately, there isn’t any good data about people who like pantyhose so I’m just giving you my best estimates.
How do pantyhose fetishists like to participate with pantyhose?
This is largely variant, some like to wear it, some like to touch it, some like to see others wear it, some like to sniff it, some like to watch someone put it on or take it off, some like to be tied up with it, some like to be choked by it, some people like to be gagged by it, some like to be forced to wear it, some like to buy it, and on and on it goes. Pantyhose is such a versatile tool sexually that it can be used for just about anything!
Below are some ways that people get sexually and sensually aroused with pantyhose through their pantyhose fetish (can be one, multiple, or all!):
Wearing pantyhose
Watching others wear pantyhose
Buying pantyhose
Watching others put on/take off pantyhose
Using pantyhose as bondage restraints and gags
Putting on and off pantyhose
Being forced to wear pantyhose
What are some theories on why people are into pantyhose?
There appears to be three main reasons why people like pantyhose:
They like the way it looks
They like the way it feels
They like the idea of it
One blogger described her love of pantyhose in this way:
“Pantyhose possess enormous power, yet, by design, they are extremely delicate and feminine, causing an irresistible vulnerability for the wearer.” (ActSensuous Blog, 2008)
My thoughts are that pantyhose are a very sensual material, and activate a lot of different senses:
Visual: the look of pantyhose, either the way you look in it or the way that someone else looks in them
Tactile: the feel of the pantyhose- this is a predominant reason why, people love the way pantyhose feels on them or when they touch them or how it feels to have their legs rub together in them. The tactile sense is highly activated with pantyhose. Also, people report how sliding pantyhose into a show is also very smooth and pleasurable, so how a pantyhosed person interacts with other objects, like clothes, shoes, etc.
Olfactory: the smell of pantyhose, specifically how pantyhose makes genitals and feet smell. Traditionally, pantyhose aren’t a very “breathable” material and often cause feet and genitals/groin to sweat/perspire more, which creates more odor and a special type of odor- which many people report as being very pleasurable. Foot smelling is a fetish in and of itself, and is often accentuated by pantyhose. Here is my #FetishFriday video on #Footsmelling:
Taste: I am not sure if pantyhose has a particular taste, but it relates to the above odor/perspiration that pantyhose inspires that relates to taste with oral sex and feet licking. From the increased perspiration, increase the odor (not always bad, just different and specific) that people find very pleasurable.
Auditory: I think this sense is very subtle and can either be no sound at all, or just a subtle rubbing/sliding sound when they are worn. But also can be very activating of sexual arousal.
Are there any thoughts to why this fetish is created?
This is an interesting question. Many people point to this fetish being created in an older generation of sexually active adults, specifically those that might have had female teachers, babysitters, caregivers, even their parents secretaries when they were little sort of always following a dress code of “women wear hose and heels” and so their eroticization of womens’ legs and pantyhose stemmed (no pun intended 🙂 from these early experiences.
I think also the sensual nature of pantyhose contributes to why people like it and why it is eroticized.
Across the board, most experts agree that a pantyhose fetish often begins in childhood, but that isn’t to say that some people develop pantyhose fetishes in young adulthood and adulthood.
Here are some thoughts by pantyhose users on how their fetish developed:
“I think mine developed over time as my Grandma would raise her skirt and adjust her stockings quite frequently. She had great legs for her age and overtime I would watch for her to adjust. I even found myself looking for women getting in or out of car doors as we all now Leg shots occur. As a Truck Driver I found myself gazing into passing cars on the highway. I also wore them at every chance I got at the homes of my Aunts and of course my own mom’s. until I could purchase them on my own. Internet buying made it even easier. Earliest time I can remember is around ten years old and I still war them off and on at 67.” (DB, 2018)
“What drives my passion for pantyhose on women? Like many other comments on this post, it started during childhood. My mother was…and still is a very elegant woman. My 4th grade teacher wore dresses, pantyhose and heels all the time. In middle school the passion really kicked up a few nothces. That’s when I really started liking girls, and girls back then in the 80’s wore them all the time. Yes. In middle school. With dresses and high heels. So did some of the teachers. My stepmother also was, and still is very elegant and wore them all the time. So I assume my father liked them too, we have never discussed this, but it is evident that my taste for women who wear them followed along with his. Pantyhose legs always got my attention, even before puberty. Then there was the TV commercials, Daisy Duke, and the Solid Gold Dancers. My junior year I lost my virginity to my step-sister. She wasn’t my step-sister yet at the time. It was when my Dad was dating my step-mother. She was six years older than me, and we got along great. For some reason she was comfortable to be around….and like her mom….wore pantyhose all the time. They even looked more like sisters rather than mom and daughter. Anyways, my first sexual experience was with a lady in pantyhose. It was quite a sensation, and from that moment on I was locked in, and began to rapidly climb out of my shell.” (AxelX10, 2017)
“I didn’t know about my fetish at the time but a few years ago my mom told me when I was a young child around three or four years old I would sit under the dining room table after church or whatever and feel on women’s legs that were in pantyhose like my aunts, my mom’s friends or whoever was wearing them. Not In a sexual way of course but she guessed that I just like the feel of them or something … My mom doesn’t know about my fetish with pantyhose, legs and feet as an adult, but when she told me that story at random I knew then … That’s where it first began for me. My fetish for legs, pantyhose and feet has only grown.” (Ink, 2017)
What are some other fetishes that might go along with a pantyhose fetish?
From my research and comments made by my viewers, people who are into pantyhose can also be into a variety of other kinks and fetishes out there including:
Foot smelling fetish (pantyhose often creates a sweaty, odorous foot which many foot smelling kinky folk just love)
And if you are located in the states of Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, and Texas, and are looking for a sex therapist, please feel free to submit this form below and I’ll get in touch with you about starting sex therapy.
My #fetishfriday episodes are very popular on YouTube, with subscribers and viewers from all over the world! My second most popular video is on #Ballbusting and from that video, viewers have requested me to do another couple videos: one on #cuntbusting and one of how to do ballbusting and cuntbusting safely. In doing my research on the safety factors in ballbusting and cuntbusting, I couldn’t find very much accessible information besides pornography, which prompted me to write this blog on how to do ballbusting and cuntbusting safely!
In case you haven’t seen my two videos, here they are, explaining what ballbusting and cuntbusting is:
Ballbusting
What is ballbusting and why do people like it?
Ballbusting is the general colloquial term for any type of cock and ball torture directly involving the testicles. Ballbusting is the squeezing, tight binding, slapping, spanking, hitting, punching, kicking, or striking of the testicles, scrotum, or perineum using hands, feet, or torture aids such as whips, chains, paddles, floggers, humblers, or other manmade devices.
A ballbuster is the person who administers these activities and can be any orientation or gender. (Kinkly, 2018)
Neuro-chemically, endorphins can be released during the pain of ball busting that can create a sexual high or enhance sexual pleasure, especially if the man is already sexually aroused. In some cases, a man will ejaculate during ball busting.
Ballbusting and BDSM
Ballbusting is a CONSENSUAL act performed by adults who understand their roles and the purpose of what they are doing. Ballbusting touches upon all of the BDSM subcategories: Bondage (tying/binding of the testicles), Dominance/Submission (dominant usually is the ballbuster, submissive is usually the ballbustee), Discipline (ballbusting is a form of humiliation and punishment), and Sadism/Masochism. Many people who enjoy being ballbusters have a sadistic side (like causing pain in others) and many who enjoy ballbusting are masochistic in that they experience pleasure through pain. Men who are ballbusted often have a fetish for shoes, boots, feet, or legs. Ballbustees (men who are being ballbusted) report feeling pleasure from the vulnerability that they feel when being ball busted. The dominant/submissive power dynamic creates a lot of pleasure and can become aroused at the thought of their master busting their balls (Kinkly, 2018).
People like ballbusting for a variety of reasons and the testicles are a common target on a submissive’s body for a dominant as the testes are often seen to represent a man’s sexuality. People report finding ballbusting erotic because the testicles are important for sex and reproduction and the thought of nullifying these organs can be very arousing for a dominant partner (Kinkly, 2018).
Ballbusters report enjoying the power they feel when they bring a submissive man to his knees in shock and pain. There doesn’t need to be much stimulation or force behind ball busting as it is such a sensitive area, and it can bring dominants a great deal of pleasure and entertainment.
Other Variations of Ballbusting
Ballbusting is also known as tamakeri, a Japenese term that means “testicle kicking”. Tamakeri tends to put an emphasis on martial arts and self-defense by showing women attacking mens testicles. It mostly focuses on attacks by women and often involves sexual intercourse after the attack.
Other variations of ballbusting or cock-and-ball torture can be:
A way less popular known fetish is the fetish of cuntbusting- read and watch more about this curious fetish:
Cuntbusting
Cuntbusting, as a parallel to ballbusting, is a masochistic/power activity in which a female is struck in the groin. This may involve kneeing, kicking, punching, clawing and squeezing, using the knees, or any other object to inflict pain upon the sensitive Bartholin’s Glands within the female’s vulva or upon the clitoris itself. This can be performed by any gender or orientation but is also performed on a woman, by another woman.
Cuntbusting in terms of a fetish, is a consensual, sexual act aimed to create pleasure from the pain of being struck, hit, kicked, stomped, or otherwise impacted in the vulva or vaginal area.
For the same reasons as ballbusting, cuntbusting can also engage all of the BDSM dynamics. Many cuntbustees are tied up during a cunt busting session, or restricted (bondage) and are being disciplined or punished by their mistresses/masters/tops/dominant. Most report either one side and/or the other side enjoying their role (the sadistic/masochistic dynamic) and all parties often report it is a fun activity (even if it is painful, because for some, that is the fun).
Interestingly enough, however, that while men often enjoy watching or fantasizing about cuntbusting, there is often more acceptability for female-to-female cuntbusting rather than male-to-female cuntbusting. I have some theories of why that is, but can’t validate it with anything online or immediately accessible so I’ll keep them to myself right now.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of valid information out there (when googling cuntbusting, you really only get pornography, youtube videos of cuntbusting in movies and on clips [mostly funny], and one guy who wrote two books of poetry on cuntbusting).
Poem 3
May your cunt be busted
So it will sting
Then when you’ve recovered
Search for cuntbusting on Bing
Also known as twat busting, pussy kicks, cunt splitting, taco shots, and cunt punt (are there others?) a simple search won’t result in very much, hence why I wrote this blog to help folks who are interested in ballbusting-cuntbusting
How to “bust” safely
The biggest concern about ball- or cuntbusting is doing it safely as not to cause permanent damage or extreme pain. These areas are extremely sensitive and need to be handled and interacted with with care.
Whenever we engage in any type of impact play we have to take special care to make sure that our PLAY does not permanently or even temporarily cause us physical, psychological, or emotional harm.
Whats also important is that we don’t sacrifice safety for the pleasure/pain dynamic and that we are aware when we are in subspace, we can often tolerate very high levels of pain but that doesn’t necessarily mean our tolerance equates to safety. Pain is a good indicator of going too far- but how do we reconcile the fact in ballbusting-cuntbusting that the POINT is often pain?
In cunt busting, the point of contact aims to be the clitoris, vulva, and pelvis and a full on impact kick or punch can actually compress the clitoris and vulva against the pelvis and pelvic bones causing extreme pain and possibly lead to chronic pain issues like bruising on the vulva and clitoris, bruising to the pelvic bone, and vulvodynia.
This pain can negatively affect other sexual experiences, in the short term and the long term. A bruised pelvis can make other sexual and non-sexual experiences painful, and long term pain and impact on the vulva/vagina/clitoris can reduce sensitivity or create longterm pain (some cyclists and horseback riders report repeated impact can create pain and reduce sensitivity during sexual stimulation). A straddle injury is an injury when there is impact to the pelvis and cuntbusting and ballbusting can often result in this.
In ball busting, the point of contact actually aims to be the balls, and pain can be accomplished without direct impact to the pelvis, which may reduce pain, compression, and damage to internal organs, but still is risky to the testes and general reproductive system. This brings up the point of ballbusting affecting fertility. Some research studies have reported “evidence of subfertility” with research participants with testicular trauma (Kukadia et al., 1996).
There have been some reports of people being afraid of a “ruptured testicle” but no one reporting that that has happened. Some report that testosterone can decrease with impact but I found no research studies confirming this.
With ballbusting, there is concern about damage to other parts of the “plumbing”. Looking at the graphic below, you can see how sensitive and close other important parts of the reproductive system are to the testes:
It’s important that we make sure that what we are doing doesn’t damage any of these other essential reproductive AND urinary functions.
Discuss long before you do anything with ballbusting-cuntbusting with your partner(s) about why you are interested in it and what about it turns you on or interests you. Listen to your partners view with an open mind and without judgment. It took a lot for your partner to bring this up to you- most people are very ashamed about their desire to play with this.
If you do decide to pursue this with a partner, make sure you have some safe words to go along with the play. I like the Stoplight Format for safewords, as it allows you to give feedback to your partner(s) about where you are at.
Begin to categorize what you want to try in a few different ways:
Figure out what are Mild/Moderate/Severe Activities and what you want to be doing:
Mild Ballbusting-Cuntbusting: slaps/pinches
Moderate: kicks, knees, punches
Severe: getting tied up and and a bat being taken full force to the genitals
Levels of Force
On a scale of 1-100% force, figure out what that looks like.
Practice on a pillow or a punching bag at the gym- figure out a common language with your partner so they don’t come at it at 100% force your first go around.
Some folks recommend staying at 50% force for safety and pleasure reasons.
Contract with your partner around this type of play and put it into writing. This is important to have in case a healthcare provider or law enforcement gets involved and doesn’t understand that this type of play is consensual. Read more from the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom about this issue (and if you haven’t considered it you should since abuse vs. consensual play is often a little gray in the eyes of the law):
Wear a cup, jockstrap, or jillstrap with severe impact play. I know it might not be as sexy as just doing it (but you can find sexy-ish ones out there that might fulfill other fantasies), but if you want to be able to play for a while, you need to keep yourself healthy.
Have the buster wear soft/padded shoes to absorb some of the impact. If using fists, use boxing gloves for padding. If using the foot, use kickboxing foam boots for more padding. Take care of both the buster and the bustee as both can get injured.
Have a mentor that is also into this who might more experience in it to give you tips and tricks of the trade and be a place you can ask questions. Having a community around this type of impact play is really important for checks and balances to make sure you have someone to check in with about whether what you are doing is SAFE, SANE and consensual (sometimes subjectively we can’t always be the person to know what is “safe” and “sane” if we derive pleasure from pain.
Know when to seek medical attention. Here are some suggestions on when to seek medical attention:
Severe pain in the region
Any penetrating injury to the scrotum/vulva
Bruising and/or swelling of the scrotum/vulva
Trouble peeing or blood in the urine
Fevers after testicular injury or vulval injury
Know your limits- just because it feels good doesn’t mean you should go harder. There is real risk to this type of impact play so don’t push yourself. See if you can find a sweet spot where pleasure is maximized and damage/risk in minimized.
I hope those practicing this out there have found this article helpful and that it filled in some gaps for folks who are practicing ballbusting-cuntbusting. As a disclaimer, I want to be clear that I am not a sex worker, professional dominatrix, or someone who will or does engage in this practice. I am a sex therapist who is trying to make a difference in the field and help people engage their kinky side in a safe and consensual way.
If you are seeking a sex therapist and reside in the states of Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, and Texas, please fill out the form below. If you are seeking a therapist in another state, I suggest going to www.aasect.org and seeking out a therapist in your state. Happy busting!
One of my most popular #FetishFridays segments is on Adult Baby Diaper Lovers as a “fetish” (remember, we use that term loosely around just fun, fetish-y, fantasy, and fantastic sex play”). With over 10,000 views and counting, its the most viewed YouTube video I have on my channel- which begged me to write a blog around Adult Babies and Diaper Lovers.
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Some of the information I have written here is from a presentation from the 2018 AASECT Annual Conference entitled. “Talk about Taboo! Interpreting the World of Age Play: Adult Babies, Diaper Fetishes, Littles and Middles” by Rhoda Lipscomb, PhD, CST.
You can read more about her study on AD/DL’s here with her doctoral dissertation here.
There is a lot more information out there for Adult Babies/Diaper Lovers but here is just a general overview around AB/DL. My aim is to allow AB/DLs to be able to find an affirming and non-judgmental sex therapist to help them when they feel like they need therapy! AB/DLs often report not feeling comfortable sharing with their therapist their enjoyment of AB/DL for fear of judgment or fear that they might be linked in with a sex offender category. This isolates AB/DLs even more, and encourages shame and secrecy.
DEFINITIONS
Clinical Definitions (according to DSM- highly pathological and I don’t diagnose any of my clients with these diagnosis nor agree with how they apply, these terms might be something to be aware of.
Paraphilic infantilism (needs to be significant distress or impairment around
Autonepiophilia (fetishistic side)
Common Terms
Adult Baby or AB:
“An adult baby is a mature person who likes pretending to be an infant. An adult baby may play the role of a baby full-time or only some of the time. The lifestyle adult babies practice is known as infantilism.Being an adult baby can be a way for some people to enjoy a sexual fetish known as paraphilic infantilism or adult baby syndrome. However, some adult babies have no sexual motivation for their role and enjoy engaging in playing activities. Most adult babies play infants of their own gender. However, some adult babies, known as sissy babies, play infants of the opposite gender (Kinkly, 2018). Adult babies can be sexually fetishistic, yet also possible to be non-sexual. More of an ego state or identity.”
(Please note: the videos in this blog helpful but I don’t always agree with the language or representation in the video, but I think it does do a decent job of sharing these particular ABDLs experiences).
Diaper Lover or DL:
“Diaper fetishism is a sexual fetish where an individual derives sexual pleasure from either wearing a diaper, seeing others wear diapers, or both.
Diaper fetishism is associated with infantilism and child-like fantasies. For some individuals it is only the thought of wearing a diaper, or the thought of someone else wearing a diaper that causes sexual arousal, while for others it is the infant/caretaker role-play that stimulates excitation. For some individuals it is messing (urinating or defecating) in a diaper that is the source of arousal.
Diaper fetishism can also be used within the context of BDSM activity, where the diaper is used as a source of humiliation” (Kinkly 2018). Diaper lovers are a sexual fetish by classic definition.AB/DL– both a little bit of diapers and a little bit of adult babies
Littles/Bigs/Middles-
Little refers to a submissive person who role plays a younger age. The little is the little girl or little boy in a daddy-dom BDSM role playing act. This person is dominated by a daddy. In rarer instances, the dominant person may be a mommy. The little dresses for the part. They also alter their voice to seem younger.
A middle is an adult who roleplays as an older child during age play scenarios. A middle is known as a type of age player.
Typically, a middle pretends to be someone aged from 11 to 17. Middles roleplay being older than adult babies and littles, but younger than bigs.
A big can also be called a Caregiver/Babysitter/Big/Mommy/Daddy: These terms are usually used to describe the one in charge. Feel free to identify with whatever term makes you feel most comfortable. (Kinkly.com)
Age Play
Ageplay is the idea of role playing someone of a different age than you biologically are. Many ageplayers prefer picking a role in the younger ages such as an infant, a toddler, a younger child, or a teenager. The specific age someone prefers will be unique to the person themselves. (This video is helpful but I don’t always agree with the language or representation in the video, but I think it does do a decent job of sharing these particular ABDLs experiences).
WHAT THIS IS AND WHAT THIS IS NOT
This is not pedophilia. This is erotic play and erotic theater, where consenting adults use their imaginations
There is a HUGE difference between coercive vs. non-coercive behavior:
When you don’t have the consent of others to be a part of your scene (public place) or when you participate with children/ACTUAL similar aged peers (playing on the playground with other three year olds when you are an age player).
ABDL Continuum
A survey that Lipscomb (2018) cited says that more people on the diaper lover side (sexualized) than the Adult Baby side
Sexual vs. Anxiety Reduction
Regression vs. Roleplay
Regression: the person thinks as a child of that age would think and act. Even in deep regression the individual essentially is stil an adult with access to adult ab
Why am I an adult baby `
WHO ARE AB/DLs?
GENDER: 86% Male, 8% Female* (this was reported as being a very low statistic and that a lot more women involved), 6% transgender continuum
DEVELOPMENT: First interest is similar for males and females with peaks at approximately ages 3-6 and pre-puberty 10-12. Women are more likely to develop an interest after the age of 20.
WHERE DOES IT COME FROM: Cause is unknown. Most likely many possible causes.
– Trauma: research shows only 2-3% relate to trauma
– 54% surveyed thought it might be stumbling across AB/DL reference or being introduced by friend/lover
– 30% believe they may have been born with desire to wear diapers
Lot more research needs to be done.
COMMON ISSUES SEEN IN THERAPY
Most AB/DLs come to therapy for a lot of reasons that many other people come to therapy for and don’t have hugely different issues from other populations. Here is a list of common issues that clients who identify as AB/DL present with in therapy:
Shame
Guilt
Embarassment
Fear of being judged or thought to be a pedophile
Learning self-acceptance
Explaining to partner/family
BENEFITS OF THERAPY
AB/DL’s benefit a lot from therapy
Self-acceptance
Stress/anxiety reduction
Improve depression
Anger reduction
Sleep
Acceptance of partner/family
Balance between Big and Little Side
WHY ARE MORE AB/DLs NOT IN THERAPY?
Fear of psychiatric community
Most advise others to seek therapy; won’t go themselves
53% have seen a therapist, 21% have gone, never mentioned AB/DL, 13% mentioned it while there for other issues, 7% did therapy because of pressure from family/partner, only 5% went because they wanted help with their AB/DL interests
DOING THERAPY WITH AB/DL
As a therapist who specializes in working with AB/DL, I aim to do a lot of
My #FetishFriday segments touch upon furries and pony play but I wanted to dive a little deeper into the topic of furries, therians, pets, and pups as well as pony play in order to reach out to a large group of folks that might be seeking out sex therapy services but don’t know where to find an affirming and furry-friendy and pet-aware therapist.
For those of you who don’t know what all this means, that’s okay! I ask that you read this blog with an open mind AND to be open to perhaps one of these topics is exactly what you might be missing in your own sex and fantasy life (and that many of these personas/identities have little to nothing to do with sex).
For those of you who DO know what this all means, I am hoping by writing this blog, you’ll have more hope on finding an affirming and knowledgeable therapist who won’t pathologize or judge your play/identity. If you are located in the states of Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, or Texas, I can work with you online or in person in Austin, TX. If you live beyond those states, I would recommend checking out www.aasect.org to help you find an affirming therapist to work with- after all, furries have therapy needs too right?
A lot of the information I am presenting in this blog come from my own clinical experience and training as well as drawn from the presentation “Furries and Pets and Therians, Oh my! Exploring Humanimal Intersubjectivities” presented by Carly Goodkin at the 2018 AASECT Conference.
So let’s get going! Let’s start with some definitions so we know what we are talking about here (and if it isn’t clear with what we are talking about, feel free to do some of your own research on what it is that we are talking about!):
Furries: someone with an interest in anthropomorphic animals.
Anthropomorphism: the attribution of human characteristics or behavior to a god, animal, or object.
Fursonas: an avatar or alter ego that someone role-plays or identifies as when interacting with other members of the community of furries, also known as the Furry Fandom
Furries is not zoophilia or beastiality. The majority of furries do not cite sexual gratification as their main motivator (International Anthropomorphic Research Project, 2016)
Pet Play: form of role-play in which one of the multiple participants adopt the role of domesticated, wild, livestock, or mythical animal. What one might do as a pet:
Eating
Resting
Training
The pet may exhibit traditionally animalistic characteristics, such as extensive non-verbal communication featuring animal noises, biting, and nuzzling
Pets may interact with each other at conventions
Often associated with the kink community and power exchange. There might be packs associated with pets, that might have a hierarchy. There is a lot of gear and the gear/toys generally fall into two categories (gear that help you channel that animal identity- tails, ears, clothes or gear that you would have to play with a pet- leashes, bowls, pet toys). Pet play can be a scene pet (playing as a pet only in a scene) or a lifestyle pet (playing as a pet as a greater identity in their own lifestyle- home, public, school, work?).
Human Pets: Some individuals engage in human-pet play, a form of role-play in which an individual is treated as a pet without taking on animal characteristics. Below is a great online petplay class by a youtuber that will walk you through her experience of petplay and being a human pet.
Therian/Therianthrope: People who believe that they are, in whole or in part, a non-human animal and this is part of their core being spiritually or mentally
There is sometimes an Awakening: realizing and accepting that you are a therian and some therians identify as transpecies and draw parallels with transgender narratives. There can also be mental and/or physical shifting: perceived changes in one’ mental state or aura from human to animal.
Otherkin: People who identify, in whole, or in part, of something non-human:
– Divine
– Monsterkin
– Aviankin
– Godkin
– Spacekin
– Alienkin
– Angelkin
There is a great YouTube Channel: Therian Nation that can explain these concepts more in detail than I do here. Here is their intro video:
Working with Furries, Pets, Pups, and Therians in the Therapeutic Context
As an affirming therapist and aware and friendly of the furry, pet, pup, therian and kink communities, I want to make sure that my clients who identify in these populations at the very least feel comfortable with not only sharing with their therapist how they identify/play but also feel comfortable that their therapist will not judge or pathologize them for being a part of these communities.
Many furries report not feeling comfortable either going to therapy or sharing with their therapist they participate in this community because of fear of judgment and lack of understanding and the fear of being stereotyped into a category of people that only participates sexually in this identity. As mentioned before, most furries do not participate for the main reason of sexual gratification.
Why do People Participate/Identify as these Identities?
So why do people participate in these identities? A lot report that it feels more natural (therians) and that this is a fundamental part of their identity. Some share that it is a social and emotional outlet for them and that they built a strong community within the communities around participate (furries). Many enjoy the erotic, imaginative, and playful nature of the play (pups, pets, and ponies). Almost all report a change in their headspace.
Headspace: a basic mindset permission to go away from executive functioning and going primal.
“Great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loos the restrictions of humanity and what humans are ‘supposed to be like'”. – Skylerpet
People often report that getting into their character or playing in these scenes allows them to let go of human stressors, expectations, anxieties and just be more primal and basic in their play.
Others report that this is the only time they find that allows them to explore their identity and sense of self.
Identity and self-exploration: People share that taking on animal forms allow them to express or explore an innate part of self, and gives them the opportunity to explore different characteristics culturally associated with animals (pups are playful, foxes are mischievous, mules are stubborn, bunnies are timid). This augments their inner strengths and allows them to create an identity that is an idealized version of self.
Gender and Sexual Orientation Exploration: It allows people to the opportunity to play with fantasy around gender and sexual orientation.
Provides expanded social experiences: People cite this as one of the main reasons for playing and exploring these areas. Playing/being in these spaces allow stronger nonverbal forms of interaction and broadened forms of physical affection. Movement beyond normative forms of social interaction to experience altered communication and physical contact could be enjoyable for people. Many are seeking novelty and often participants report having higher levels of skin hunger. These communities can easily accommodate and welcome those who have language barriers, who might typically struggle with socializing, and who are differently abled physically or mentally. Where people may have not felt that they belonged in other social experiences, these communities are very inclusive.
Community Inclusivity: These communities have an emphasis on acceptance and inclusivity, including people who are marginalized on basis of gender identity and sexual orientation and disability status.
Escape from Oppressive Structures: These spaces allow participants to escape from oppressive structures and experience a freedom from the ways they SHOULD be.
With a combination of headspace, inclusivity, and expanded ways of interacting can mean an escape from: capitalist/materialistic concerns and oppression, homophobia, transphobia, racism, body shaming, ableism, and other issues of the world… where else can someone get this?
Expanded BDSM Experiences: human-animal intersubjectivity may offer different experiences of subjugation, humiliation, or degradation; dependence or caregiving especially in a pet/owner dynamic.
Sex as a Motivator: For some people sexual gratification is a primary or partial motivator. This can be through watching content, in-person interactions, and online chatting or roleplaying. There is a common interest to meet partners who participate and are accepting of the lifestyle. But as I mentioned several times, most do not participate for sex or sexual interactions as a main, primary motivator.
A subset of furry pornography is called “Yiff” which is defined as furry content porn.
Yiffing: is the act of having sex when you are this furry mindset. Most people are not having sex in their fur suits: expensive, hard to clean, and really hot.
Hopefully, this piece has helped to explain these often misunderstood but very delightful sexual subcultures. If you are a furry, therian, pet, pup, pony and any way you are and are looking for a therapist, feel free to reach out at the number or email below.
Each week, Rhiannon will take you on 2-3 minute carnival ride around a particular fetish. She provides follow up information on her Facebook Page for people seeking more information (@RhiannonBeauregardCST)
Here is the first video of #FetishFridays, published on 10/20/17. This segment is weekly so subscribe to keep up-to-date with all content published and follow her on Facebook to continue the conversation going!
The goal of #fetishfridays is to educate and inspire the viewers to be curious and non-judgmental about other peoples fetishes and desires as well as their own. I hope to encourage folks who may have stayed closeted with their fantasies to step out of their comfort zone and explore an aspect of their sexuality, whether known or unknown, that would bring them a lot of pleasure.
It is also the hope of the weekly #fetishfridays installment that people who are in need of therapy and education about their fetish will reach out to qualified professional to help them legally, ethically, morally, and sexually express themselves in a healthy way. If you are located in Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, or Texas, I could be that person. Feel free to contact me using the form below or by emailing Rhiannon[at]SexTherapy-Online.com or calling me at 512.765.4741.
The relationship between kink and domestic violence can get really, really, really fuzzy depending on who you ask. You don’t have to throw the stone very far to find folks who misunderstand the kink community and might quickly make a judgment that a BDSM relationship is abusive and violent. You also don’t have to look very far to find someone in the kink community that has had a previous kink relationship that they would define as “abusive” or “violent”.
So this topic can be VERY confusing and very MISUNDERSTOOD. I would caution everyone to be careful in making a judgment based on your own views of what you THINK you might believe, at the same time provide someone you have concern about with a respectful view of the facts and what you are noticing.
Based on a recent training at SAFE Austin (www.SAFEaustin.org) on “Discerning Domestic Violence” for therapists and mental health professionals, I’m going to apply some concepts around domestic violence and how these might be similar to kink relationships and how they might be different.
Before I do that, I want to explain just a few concepts about kink that are essential to understanding how kink relationships may mimic aspects of abusive relationships or domestic violence but ARE different. I call these the Three C’s of Kink and Safety.
The number one rule of a kink relationship is CONSENT. That consenting adults who agree to some terms and limits (see contracts) who continuously review consent can kind of do what they want and express themselves how they chose to. Domestic violence is inherently non-consensual, but it doesn’t always appear that way.
Another very safe concept in BDSM/Kink is COMMUNITY. The BDSM community is often a great checks and balances to its own members and the acts of its members. Education, support, training, and mentorship is available within the community.
CONTRACTS are another great way that people in the kink community ensure that their lifestyle avoids some of the vulnerabilities of domestic violence. Generally, you don’t
This great graphic came from CARAS (www.carasresearch.org), an organization dedicated to promoting alternative sexualities research and providing education for mental health professionals.
You’ll see in this graphic that there is a distinct difference between the cycle of abuse and the cycle of a BDSM scene or relationship, and the basis of it is CONSENT.
Domestic violence is a PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR that is used to attempt to control, manipulate, or demean an intimate partner using tactics such as physical and emotional abuse, intimidation, economic abuse, and reproductive coercion. It is obviously different from a consensual relationship between two adults that might have aspects of manipulation, control, humiliation, and demeaning behaviors and acts based on erotic play.
In domestic violence, the abusive partner may use coercion, intimidation, emotional abuse, threats, isolation, economic abuse and/or the children to control his or her partner. He or she also minimizes, denies, and blames the partner for their own behavior. The core issue for the abused is to be in control of the relationship in order to have his or her needs met. If the aforementioned tactics don’t work, then the abuser enforces their threats with physical and/or sexual violence.
In a kink relationship, the roles of the partners are pre-established and communicated as well as regularly re-evaluated. Control may be a mechanism of erotic play, but also may be fluid between both partners based on their communication and contracting agreement.
Domestic violence is a COMPLEX situation, and so is kink. If you think you might be a victim of domestic violence, regardless if you are in a kink relationship or not, get yourself to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). They also have live chat feature on their website.
If you aren’t sure if you are or not, check in with your community and let them know your concerns. A good way of checks and balances in the kink lifestyle is talking to others about what you are feeling and going through. You can also contact me at the below link to set up an appointment to discuss what you are feeling and thinking.
Looking for more information, check out this links:
Are you thinking about getting started in the kink and BDSM lifestyle?
That’s exciting! As a certified sex therapist at SexTherapy-Online, I can help you explore this exciting world to see if it is the right fit for you and have just a few “getting started” tips as you test the waters.
Tip #1
Do some reading.
The first thing I recommend for all my clients when they are getting started in kink and BDSM is to do a little bit of reading homework (or listening- if you aren’t a reader, I recommend audio books!). The book that I most frequently recommend for those getting started in the kink and BDSM lifestyle is The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by Jack Morin. This is a pivotal text on exploring all things erotic and will be a great starting point to exploring who you are as an erotic person.
Tip #2
Study Basic Vocabulary
The kink and BDSM world sometimes sounds like it is speaking a completely different language. One of the easiest ways to learn about kink and BDSM is to study the basic vocabulary and terms in the kink and BDSM community. There are a variety of sites that can point you in the right direction, but here are just a few:
Tip #3
Talk to people
Do you know anyone who identifies as participating in the kink lifestyle and BDSM? If so, ask them about their experience. I have found that people who publicly identify (at least in some circles) as kink and BDSM are often very open to talking about their experiences and their lifestyle. The kink and BDSM lifestyle is generally a very accepting and open community and most people encourage community and networking. Most major US cities offer a lot of resources to the kink and BDSM community. In Austin, TX, where I have an in-office practice (although I work online with any clients located in Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, and Texas), there are numerous resources where you can go to educational seminars and community gatherings. In Austin, there is kind of a one stop shop website http://abdsmcommunity.info/ that lists all events, community gatherings, educational seminars, etc. you can check out. Even though kink and BDSM in some areas a bit underground, do some searching online and you can find all the information that you need.
Tip #4
Figure out Who You Are
Some people who participate in the kink and BDSM lifestyles feel like this is a part of their identity, not just something they do in the bedroom. Some people just identify as kinky in the bedroom, but vanilla in the streets. As you start this journey, keep in mind that kink and BDSM can be a lifestyle and/or a set of behaviors and everywhere and anywhere in between. Understanding your sexual identity (who you are as a sexual person) is important to understanding what you like and what you don’t like.
A good resource that I like (I don’t know how other members of the kink and BDSM community feel about this website, but I like it) is http://bdsmtest.org/ It’s limited but is interesting on the questions it encourages you to ask yourself and potentially your partner. There are others out there, just do some perusing in your research.
Tip #5
Communicate and be Flexible
If you are in a relationship or some version of something, and want to explore this, effective communication is essential. BDSM and kink isn’t something you insist upon as a deal breaker in a sexual relationship if you haven’t already established a strong foothold in the identity. BDSM and kink is not something that should be used to “save” a relationship. BDSM and kink isn’t a last resort. BDSM and kink should never be used as a way to abuse or victimize a person in a nonconsensual way. Posing it to your partner should be done gently and with a lot of communication. Not everyone gets it and not everyone identifies with the BDSM and kink lifestyle. It’s important to take your time in exploring this individually and together, and respecting the boundaries of your existing relationship.
If you or anyone you know needs help with this, feel free to contact me and talk about setting up an appointment with a certified sex therapist using the form below. This is an exciting journey, and I would be honored to help facilitate your journey.
This is largely variant, some like to wear it, some like to touch it, some like to see others wear it, some like to sniff it, some like to watch someone put it on or take it off, some like to be tied up with it, some like to be choked by it, some people like to be gagged by it, some like to be forced to wear it, some like to buy it, and on and on it goes. Pantyhose is such a versatile tool sexually that it can be used for just about anything!
Ballbusters report enjoying the power they feel when they bring a submissive man to his knees in shock and pain. There doesn’t need to be much stimulation or force behind ball busting as it is such a sensitive area, and it can bring dominants a great deal of pleasure and entertainment.
AB/DL– both a little bit of diapers and a little bit of adult babies
In a kink relationship, the roles of the partners are pre-established and communicated as well as regularly re-evaluated. Control may be a mechanism of erotic play, but also may be fluid between both partners based on their communication and contracting agreement.